The depths of my soul (part one)
Sometimes I have these strange flashes of inspiration where every concious activity turns into mechanical for a long while. My head or rather, my soul, starts pumping out feelings, which once worked by my mind become thoughts to be finally translated into words.
Unconciously everything ceases until I am done. While the transparent process of thinking is on, I keep there staring at the infinite with my eyes looking but not watching anything, just showing a lost look. Random words keep building sentences in my mind which later I feel obliged to transcribe. I get access to the depths of my soul, where the most subtle feelings reside, as any good shrink would do in his sessions. I really know how to enter into such moments. Just a trigger is needed and it can be everything which stimulates my senses: what I saw, what I thought of, what I felt or even what I heard. I think they started on my early days at the university where I had plenty of time to ponder my own life’s philosophy. There was a time not that far, nearly two years ago, when they happened very often and achieved their climax and as I was getting used to them I realized their dangerous side. They lasted about a whole year, which turned to be my most prolific time, but being associated to an unrequited love made them almost disappear as my love flame vanished. Nowadays they show up once in a while to remember me I cannot forget them so easily. The contents of what I discover are rarely new though. However sometimes they keep scaring me.
As I analyze these contents I realize they are the very bottom of my soul, the core of my currently torn personality, the furthermost step that a shrink would achieve if he treated me. The results of living a life that I cannot leave behind. The consequences of a never fullfilled philosophy which is tearing up. I take most of the blame because at the end it was me who build up that philosophy out of myself, my childhood, my parents and every other factor that shapes us. However I do know what, or better said who, was the millstone tied into my neck for such a long time. She doesn’t even deserve to know. Maybe it was my fault too for being a hopeless romantic. That was the time when I just wanted to be thrown into the sea and sink together with that millstone of mine.
When your life’s philosophy, the one you always believed to be right and always trusted, trembles everything seems to fall apart. Seeking a way out is urgently required. Not that easy though.
I feel like a rat in a cage with no way out. Well even that would be easy because knowing there is no choice that really matters prevents you from doing anything other than living. It is even worse, I feel like a hamster which has grown old waiting in a maze with many different ways to explore but unable to make a decision. Left or right? Front or back? Always wondering unconfident if he would we able to accomplish and surpass next steps. Luckily, there is always that poisonous piece of cheese which ends it all. The very last option.
I cannot blame others for how I am. They say one cannot blame “life” either.
... all this was the result of one of these flashes ... more to come soon ...